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you owe me nothing

i was already asleep actually but somehow without saying proper goodnight won't put me to a sort of real sleep. if this could be a series of love drama, it could be a hit. 😊 
you, have been the sweetest thing (well you are not a thing, per say but figure of speech thingy? 😁) that has happened to me for the past few weeks or maybe months. when i thought that i could never get to feel this way again. when i almost lost hope on feeling cheerful - or looking forward for the day that i could smile this wide - or even grin! well, you are right you can be moody and as the day goes by you taught me how to handle you 😛
as i go through my journey of life, i learned to put Him first in my heart. and it is true i supposed that when you put your trust in Him and His plan, you will feel your shoulder lighter than before. every day is another step forward to your Creator. i may not seemed to be pious to most people but this is the way of life that i choose to live in. 
there must be a reason why…

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i had to

i was so sad that you were upset. i am sorry but i had to do what i had to do. things have changed between us. you decided on the changes, not me. and you said that we both had to either leave our lives, or live our life. both ways means more or less the same. i know i am dependent on you still. i don't know how i will work it out with some things.. with the house payment and all. but insyallah, Allah is with me and things will work out fine. there will be a way. i have Him to help me out. sooner or later i will have to be on my own anyway.

and at the point that you already have her in your life - you will not need the privileges that i have been giving you anyway. i am not upset that you have her in your life. i am just upset with myself for having the hope that you will return. i misunderstood all the signals.

i feel bad for having to do what i had to do. but i need to be able to do this alone. cut you off totally. as i cannot live with your shadows around me anymore. it just hu…

stay with me

i dont know what to put for the title and i dont know where to start. see, nampak sangat macam banyak sangat nak bebelnya kan? well as i am typing this.. the girls are just back from their circuit training at the lake garden. today is sort of my off day. well not really off day. maybe i will join UJAM later at my studio.

right now i dont feel like going back yet. i was watching this short drama on you tube. thanks to #bff lah kan. he introduced to me this production. although its kinda like school drama acting, but the message most of the time just hits me. or perhaps, it hits some of you - if you can relate to the story.

yesterday he gave me 1 story - 7 episodes i think. and today i discovered another story with 4 episodes. hanging posting i am doing right now, right?

you know, i finally believe that when you actually give in and leave it to Allah, you will see that light at the end of the tunnel. when you just open your heart, to love again, things will be so beautiful right in fron…

turning point

just when i have been laughing and smiling more than crying for the last 2 weeks, he has to give me this video lah? one thing about this production, it relates to people's everyday life stories. which are real. and which this production makes you watch it and say "yeah, it is similar like what is happening to me now.. or this was what happened" kinda thang. 
so when i watch the video.. i kinda relate to my previous relationship and the realisation came late and it cannot be saved anymore. but that didn't make me cry.. relating it to my previous relationship.
but what made me cry was when she said something about being afraid of attachment.. about pulling back whatever that i feel. and about afraid of losing someone and in this case.. i am afraid of losing him hence i am creating this wall.. this is to protect myself from getting hurt again. afraid of losing someone who has been my sunshine when it has been raining for days. who gives me that smile on my face whenever i…


when it comes to you, i keep on telling myself to be strong. or i keep on telling myself to move on. i wish someday i can really be okay with all these things that are happening around me. i still have some parts of you in me which is still too difficult for me to get rid of. it is so hard and sad that someone whom you used to be with is now a stranger in your life. you only contact me if you need something from me - and yes, that is what / who you are now. you, make me see you as someone who wants to take advantage of what we have / had. i wish i am strong enough to say F6%k off but because despite of your selfishness and huge ego that you have in you, i still believe you are a good person and you, have taught me a lot about life. you have been there with us all these while - just that the thought will comes if they are all real, at all before this?

seeking for peace

peace of mind is what i meant. honestly i am not happy at work. SO NOT HAPPY to the fact that i really HATE IT at work. as many others, i am trying so damn hard to stay positive and be grateful for i am still employed. of course i am grateful. but doesn't mean i am happy there. it just sucks big time. i am not doing what i like anymore. i am just doing it for the month end paycheck. yeahh having that moment and i have been distributing my updated CVs again. and this time is for real.

i was upset the other day, for some reasons that is happening in my life. i don't really like to think about it because i know nothing is gonna happen. i am stuck in my current life where i am in a way dependable on someone else. i am not fully independent yet. be it financially or emotionally - which is the toughest one of all.

i want to be on my own, where i can just decide and do without worrying of monthly income. kaiser has been busy as usual and he trains joey 3 times a week now. i have been…

miss him

i cannot explain how much i miss him, at times it hurts too much that i thought i cannot bear it anymore. the funny thing is that, this feelings will come on and off. not that i am not busy that i have to waste all my energy on this or even on him. i am a very busy person and my time left on daily basis is just to go to sleep. for the past 3 weeks i have been sleeping late because i have been chatting with a so called bff. not really wanna call it bff coz we hardly know each other. its like a virtual bff. but sokay lah. whatever ship that we have right now kinda keeps my occupied for a while until one day when i realized this is not what i really wanted. i dont feel that borak2 kosong is what i enjoy anymore. maybe i am too old for this kind of conversation. maybe he is a nice friend. god knows. 
anyway, i have been having this shitty moment and yesterday i could not stand it anymore - for 1 thing i could not stand someone at the office. and no i will not go deep into that. i needed …