what is Fibromyalgia

i have been taking painkillers for the past about 2 months. bila habis je pi clinic, habis je pi clinic. until aku rasa this is too much. takkan hidup aku nak bergantung dengan pain killers je. dah la aku ni tak rajin minum air. kesian kidney aku kena berkerja keras kan. takut ni sebenarnya. so akhirnya, dr t refer aku kat specialist kat pcmc. bukan apa, record aku dah berlapis2 kat pcmc tu, kalau aku pi hospital lain, jenuh pulak nak explain dari a sampai z kan... 

apa yang aku sebenarnya rasa? setiap joints aku ketat and sakit bila nak diluruskan. bila aku baring mengereng time tido, nak ubah position takes time sebab aku rasa seluruh badan aku kejang. for me to turun sujud sakit joints aku. bila pagi2 aku nak jijak kaki ke lantai tumit aku rasa tajam and i will be wearing my bedroom slippers. jari2 tangan aku sakit sampai nak genggam pun payah. 

so, bila sampai harinya untuk appointment, dr r pun tanya lah aku how i feel and how long i have been feeling all the pain. and she did some physical examination as well. for now,  she diagnosed me for having Fibromylagia. what is that?  in summary:

Fibromyalgia syndrome (or FMS) is a life-changing illness that causes pain in the entire body. Patients also frequently experience general exhaustion, and their run-down condition only worsens because it is difficult for them to get a good night's sleep. They may often have stiff muscles and frequent headaches. Besides these challenging physical symptoms, FMS also affects mental abilities by impairing memory and concentration. Although there is no known cure, there are some practical ways to reduce the severity of various symptoms.

and the symptoms are as shown below and the ones in ✓ yang memang aku kena for the past 2 months. 

Common Symptoms and Related Conditions

Many people with fibro -- also called fibromyalgia syndrome or FMS -- may have:

• Pain and tender points ✓
• Fatigue ✓
• Sleep problems ✓
• Concentration and memory problems, known as "fibro fog"
• Anxiety or depression 
• Morning stiffness ✓
• Numbness, and tingling in hands, arms, feet, and legs ✓
• Headaches ✓
• Irritable bowel syndrome
• Problems with urinating
• Painful menstrual cramps

So sekarang ni i am on medication and also physio treatment kat PCMC. and when dr r tanya if there is something bothering me or what have been bothering me, aku tak rasa benda tu critical sangat. but according to her, memang aku rasa tak ada apa2 tapi my subconscious mind is thinking and my brain is not resting in how it should be. 

so what is bothering me actually? since aku pun tak kenal korang yang baca, i would just write them all here according to how much i have been thinking about it, mana lah tahu mungkin ini boleh melegakan. 

1. the date of my wedding next year 😛 ye, aku tahu it is going to be next year tapi AH kata end of next year - gosh ini mengstresskan aku banget sih coz lambat nya ... huk hukk 😥. and selagi aku tak tahu exact date, susah aku nak buat plan coz to have a wedding bukan kerja overnight. banyak yang kena nak source out. 
2. my daughter feels someone else gives her more comfort than me - ok this really sucks and made me feel i am a hopeless mom walaupun aku dah buat sehabis baik untuk anak2 aku. aku tak perfect in fact no one is but... 
3. how do i go to my daughter's graduation when i don't feel like my daughter actually needs me to be there coz she has someone else whom she always consult with and be comfortable with?
4. the person whom my daughter has been talking to now is the person who took her dad away from her - and she forgives her just like that? yang ni meh aku bagi disclaimer, aku tak benci dia tetapi aku tak rasa she is a victim of circumstances yang dia cuba nak cerita kat anak2 aku. kemon la, that time you were 22 takkan ko tak boleh fikir apa yang sepatutnya ko buat bila ko tau lelaki yang ko date tu suami orang?? gosh this is so throwback and i hate it. it has been 15 years ago and i have put it behind me. tapi bila darah daging ko lebih percayakan orang lain selain daripada ibu dia sendiri - ko rasa?
5. the possibility of not having baby with AH - oh well.. rezeki tu Allah yang bagi..  and we have been to the doctor together and for us to have a baby memang high risk. so we both resort to, tak apa lah.. and AH ckp dia redha kalau ini takdir untuknya. memang aku sebak siot.. but.. maybe insyaallah rezeki aku dengan AH in the future is different.

for item (2) tu actually i have sort of find or try to find peace with myself and accepting it as a phase and i will just let my daughter do what she is most comfortable doing. but only Allah swt yang tahu betapa rindunya aku nak borak2 dengan anak aku macam dulu. alhamdulillah my son now is so mature that we can talk better than before. tuduhan N4 to what my action is lagi kejam, dia tak rasa lagi... tunggu la bila Idz dah besar esok, tak tau apa pulak Idz akan buat. as a mom memang la agaknya otak aku tak berhenti berfikir, kat mana salah aku? is it because i married kaiser? bukan kah itu jodoh namanya, and kalau aku tahu my marriage would get my children to suffer - demi Allah aku takkan kahwin time tu. 

during the consultation with dr r, she mentioned that, for this syndrome, 

• medication 30%, 
• physio 50% and 
• cognitive behavior treatment 20%

so, yeah... hendak tak nak, aku kena gak pi counseling, katanya. hmmm entah lah.. tapi sekarang ni aku dah start physio and off pain killer.. cuma boleh makan malam jer... sakitnya... lisa tanya jugak if i am ok macam pagi ni... tapi aku tak de hati nak update sebab aku kecik hati. kalau apa2 jadi pun at least joey tau. 😥

ye, every inch of my body sakit.. seriously 😭