Sepi

aku tau kata2 yang orang akan cakap, selagi kita ada Allah swt, kita takkan rasa sepi atau sunyi - atau omputih kata feeling lonely. tapi i am a mom. i know i am not a perfect mom. aku tak kan cakap yang i have done the best i could coz all moms (mostly) will do the same for their kids. cuma i wish i have not shared so much of how i feel with my kids, my sadness or perasaan kecewa dalam kehidupan aku kat anak2. i used to be much stronger when they were smaller kids. going back to history, i used to cry out so much outside of the house and when i am home - i will be the happiest person on earth coz i won't show those to my kids - my sadness. and when my kids have grown, i slowly shared with them how i truly feel about certain things - which now i regret it.

mungkin dalam pada aku share atau aku mengadu dengan anak2 time tu, it was too heavy or too much for them to handle? or maybe they were trying to be strong jugak for me - for my support but at the same time diorang rasa tertekan sendiri? oh my god... i am so sorry kids... i am sorry that if i put you both in that position - had i known you will get so badly affected, i would not have done that. tak ada pun a mom who would want their children to suffer :'( 

i looked back at the pictures of us, JoeLis and i when i celebrated my birthday - we looked so happy then. i really hope they were too then. this year i don't even get a message from joey. it really breaks my heart. busy sangat ke anak aku ni sampai birthday aku pun dia tak de masa nak message. is it too much for me to ask from a son? kat mulut aku boleh cakap, tak pe lah, it was just another day - tapi hati aku sendiri aku tak boleh nak tipu. of course on special days like this, you will automatically expect wishes from special people in your life kan. entah lah.. kalau fikir banyak sangat mau depress jadinya. 

and i don't know where is this posting heading... i should get back on track focusing on what makes me happy and be grateful about it.