My Low Season

i have been feeling so down for the past 2 weeks. 2 weeks ago i had a fight with MrH and it makes me so sad, it was such a waste of time arguing and fighting with him. i was feeling so tired. the long distance relationship is already a tiring one for me, maybe for him too, i don't know, but i am just exhausted. i am also already tired on the uncertainty, and now being far and angry. *sigh*  and baru a few days feeling ok dengan MrH, now issue dengan anak2 pulak. 

there are certain things about my kids and i, that i am not able to share with MrH coz i feel either he will not understand or he will take it wrongly. 

i believe my kids and i have issues bottled up even since my divorce(s). Lisa with his dad and Joey with his papa (i presumed) and i did not see this coming coz i always thought that my kids are strong and understand what was going on, but i missed realizing or noticing that there is a feeling of loss in both of them. 

bringing up children is never ending. even after your children gets married and have their own children. i see that in my parents and i. at the age of 46, my parents still check on me if i have eaten. and still wanted to prepare food for me. i am not sure where this posting is going but i have lots of things in my mind right now. and it is all about people i love so much around me. 

i thought i have done my part being a mom - bringing up my kids without their own dad's presence. alhamdulillah i have close family around me to help and i can cope so far. both of my kids are at the university. and i thought that is enough. i build them well - their inner. but i didn't know that they have issues from my previous divorces. 

it is sad that my relationship(s) has caused emotional issues in my children. it was much easier to reach out when they were kids, cause we can talk. unlike now. i always want to be different from my parents way of teaching. but now that i have grown up kids, perhaps it made me understand that it gets more and more difficult to reach out to them. 

i only have 2 kids, whom last time, i thought we can be best of friends when they grow up. but when lisa goes to USA to further her studies, i felt lost when at the same time, she felt her real freedom being on her own. i am happy to see her happy but feeling envy at the same time coz she is happy without me. i felt useless as a mom. she talks to her friends more than me. but at those times, when i became sad and misses her, i will always pray that she is surrounded by good people and Allah protects her from evil. i would think that she is more comfortable to be with her friends now. as a mom, i can just watch and pray for her from far. it breaks my heart when we get into a fight the last time she came home. and i felt attacked by my own daughter. and ever since i did not tell her anything about my relationship. i am tired typing... and my chest feels so heavy right now. i don't like going back telling all these story. but i want my daughter to know that i miss her so much and i wish i was still her favorite person to talk to. i am sorry that i do not understand you like how you want me to. i wish you and joey didn't have to go through all these challenge being children of divorced parents. 

each time i have a fight with joey, i will always remember the moment that joey and i spent our times together at a japanese restaurant at wangsa walk mall. at that time, he has not entered university yet. he was still juggling on what to do after his SPM. and i was still alone, not having anyone special in my life. after my divorce with Kaiser, i kind of like the idea of being single. of course i do get lonely at times but at least i can skip the sad part if someone were to break my heart or make me unhappy in the relationship. but by having someone in my life now, i don't want any of my kids to think or feel that he is replacing them in my life. having MrH added value in my life, someone i can talk to when i am down and someone who makes me laugh, who takes care of me when i needed someone to be with me. i hope my kids understands that MrH is never a replacement of any of them. Lisa and Joey will always be my kids and priority if they want me to. 

Joey sekarang bukan Joey yang dulu. He is more quiet nowadays (that i noticed but i don't know how to breakthrough that) and he has become a temperamental person. With that kind behavior, I always choose to be quiet and do things on my own instead of asking him for help. I cannot ask where he is going in details coz then I felt that he is hesitant to tell me. He is getting far and far away from me when I wish/hope last time that he would be the one taking care of me when I grow old, based on our conversation that 1 night. Nowadays whenever I tegur him for his own good, he will always resent as though I am finding fault or thinking that he is not good enough. When all I did was just out of care as a mom towards her children. 

so when we had into another fight last weekend, i felt so broken and i felt that my kids are going further and further away from me. i don't know what to do. since joey blocked me on his whatsapp,  i take it as he doesn't want to talk to me. all i can do is just pray for their safety and happiness. i cannot force people to love and be with me forever, even if they are my own flesh and blood. and i just want them to know that i miss them all the time. and this is not self pitying coz if you feel so, you are so wrong about your own mom. i have done all i can to do the best that i could for both of you, and your education. if you feel you don't need me anymore, i can do nothing about it. 

yes, i am only human, and this, is my lowest in my life and yet, i have to get up every morning and act as though i am ok and still needs to go through life - kalau tak, siapa yang akan bela aku? i have no one. and by me writing all these down is not to bring down my own children because i know they are very good children - it is the circumstances that has done this to us. this is my blog and this is the place i need to distress. and at the same time, i will learn to be a good listener.

JoeLis, if you are reading this, i am here for you and I miss you both so much that it hurts. And also i wish that both of you understand and know that you can always talk to me about anything even if MrH is around. 

Raya 2018
i wish we can be happy like how we are in this photo