miss him

i cannot explain how much i miss him, at times it hurts too much that i thought i cannot bear it anymore. the funny thing is that, this feelings will come on and off. not that i am not busy that i have to waste all my energy on this or even on him. i am a very busy person and my time left on daily basis is just to go to sleep. for the past 3 weeks i have been sleeping late because i have been chatting with a so called bff. not really wanna call it bff coz we hardly know each other. its like a virtual bff. but sokay lah. whatever ship that we have right now kinda keeps my occupied for a while until one day when i realized this is not what i really wanted. i dont feel that borak2 kosong is what i enjoy anymore. maybe i am too old for this kind of conversation. maybe he is a nice friend. god knows. 

anyway, i have been having this shitty moment and yesterday i could not stand it anymore - for 1 thing i could not stand someone at the office. and no i will not go deep into that. i needed to call lisa and talk. and so i did. we talk for about maybe half an hour with me crying at the steps behind my office. my eyes became sembab. i had finally broke down. and when i talked about it one by one - perhaps what i am facing at the office is too minimal. i am actually just feeling so tortured missing kaiser. yes, that is the truth. and all my days and whatever is going haywire because of this stupid feeling. 

and today kaiser texted me to ask me to prepare his bills as always. as though nothing happened. well he did sent me a message even before but i am the one who snapped at him. i am just tired of being an option. God please take this feelings away from me. please God help me. i wanna be free from this awful tiring feelings. i wanna be at peace with people who truly loves and appreciates me. please God.