stay strong

i wanted to write about how nice we were on sunday before, during, and after the meeting. how he introduced me as his wife and having this thought in my head.. "owh ok he still feels i am his wife" . then last night too. but i sensed that he was somehow feeling awkward. i am not sure if its due to him feeling guilty or he was just feeling uneasy with my confession during the day. but he wasn't upset when i told him that. today i realize that feeling good with those introduction to his acquaintances are just the temporary happiness because i still need to face the reality. the reality that he has gave up on us... let the reason be kept for now - let's say its circumstances that separates us.

having him at home but knowing that he is not staying is more hurtful. i wish i can say or write more but somehow it gets very tiring. i have tried all i can to save it, to save us but all i get is cold shoulder. i am tired of crying... i don't cry for him so much anymore. mischa seems to be lost too. perhaps she felt like papa is leaving her. there was this one day when he was hugging mischa and i said... "mischa.. papa doesn't love us, he is leaving us.. he doesn't care" and he gave me the look and said "you know that's not true" or did i hear it wrongly.. and i wished that was what he said. 

all i can tell to myself is to stay strong. Ya Allah... this challenge is too great for me right now... please... :"(