Too much trials

i went through my postings that has 'sad' as the labels. i hated reading them. but today and right now... i am writing a new one under that label. i wish i don't have to. but if i don't write this, then my blog will not be updated... 😓

i stopped writing in my blog because i have nothing that i can write and help my sadness disappear. i wake up almost every night, praying to God that my trials, challenges to be lighten. or at least help me through it easier than what i am going through. i asked for His forgiveness over and over again. i have done so many self reflection and i owned all my mistakes in the past. i have asked forgiveness over and over again. 

every night i will sleep with tears running down my cheek. until both of my eyes became swollen. i did not want to meet with anyone. because i know, when i see people, i will cry. i am so hurt inside and i get too tired to ask God what else did i do wrong. 

my love to them is infinity, too valuable and it hurts too much. until i asked myself, have i not been good enough for them. 

i am sorry God if You think that i have not been grateful. i have. very much and i am so thankful that i am given such brilliant kids. but why are You testing me so hard about them on me? i just cannot handle this too long - not anymore. please... help.. me