tenggol here i come (part 13)

i know i should be doing something else. but right now my mind is back at tenggol - the experience, the memories, the people....

bot nelayan: not the actual boat but i think ours is similar

...LS dah tarik tangan aku.. i felt like both of my feet were pinned to the floor and frozen and can't move.. its gonna take some extra time for me to think back on details what has happened to me and a few of my friends. memang time tu rasa macam kena decide dan dan tu jugak. a few of the maritime officers were already at the dock watching all of those who have jumped onto the boat. mind you it was a boat nelayan ok. aku rasa memang dahsyat Allah bagi experience kat aku dengan kawan2.. dari kapal besar maritim, KMPekan, boat polis marin, boat dive sehingga lah ke boat nelayan. 

aku tengok diorang ni macam dah tak fikir nyawa ke? suka hati je lompat terus dalam boat tu. masa tu memang ombak tengah quite rough. it took skills kut for the person yang handle boat tu. memang boat tu dah sway ke kiri and kanan. time ni lah aku boleh tengok siapa kawan and siapa sahabat. and siapa orang2 yang pada aku masa tu memang tak pandang belakang dah. or maybe not close enough to care. which i don't blame them. but at that point of time jugak aku cari kekuatan lain. aku tengok he has always been close to us, the ladies. LS of course sentiasa ada jaga aku. dia ni memang macam mak2 sangat kadang2... hehehe 😀 tapi masa tu kan masa aku tengok dia dengan bag dia, aku terfikir gak, degil betul mamat ni.. orang dah kata tinggalkan bag.. mana aci dia boleh bawak bag dia. 

some of us siap dah pakai bcd and filled up with air just in case anything happen, dah ada life jacket sendiri kiranya. kitorang memang gamble kut malam tu.. there were no life jackets except for few yang sepatutnya untuk nelayan. i can see some of the maritime officer tengok memang dah geleng kepala. aku hairan jugak macamana boleh lepas kitorang semua naik bot nelayan tu. 

i saw the boat swaying.. all these people/participants jumped onto the boat macam dah hilang akal, seriously. they were supposed to wait time boat tu betul2 rapat ke sisi kapal for them to jump. ini ada yang main lompat jer.. dok campak bags and lompat. dah 2 trip boat nelayan tu try nak rapat ke sisi kapal. aku dah fikir lagi.. mata berair lagi.. goshh.. am i doing the right decision? LS dah jumped onto the side boat yang the officers used as a lift for us. aku terfikir titanic pun ada. agaknya macam ni lah kalau kena jugak buat decision. aku cakap lagi dengan LS... babe.. kita naik next trip la babe, aku takut... dengan harapan LS akan agree dengan aku... but LS said tak de babe, this is the only trip...  😦which time tu pun aku tak terfikir.. takkan kut.. coz boat ni limited passengers jer.. mana muat semua participants!

aku tengok dia...aku tak tau kenapa but my eyes were locked looking at him.. and maybe masa dia tengok aku dia tau kut aku risau. buat masa ni memang aku rasa kalau this is how i would end my life, i will be with him someone who made me enjoy the trip. although i know nothing about him. although i don't really know what i am feeling for him. there is just something about him. biarlah kalau dia tak rasa apa yang aku rasa or dia tak tau apa aku rasa kat dia. mungkin lepas ni kitorang tak jumpa pun lagi. tak pe lah. sekarang ni aku jenis yang take life as it is. i don't waste time, i say what i want to say or what i feel coz i don't want to waste time and regret for not saying or doing anything. after what i have gone through in my life, i just wanna be happy and enjoy life. 

kat mata aku masa tu, ombak was at the same level as tepi bot nelayan. aku rasa kalau tinggi dalam 1 kaki je lagi bot tu akan dipenuhi air. aku tak kisah la kalau korang rasa aku exaggerate tapi ini apa yang aku experience and nampak dengan mata aku sendiri. so it was my turn to jump in. aku tak ingat aku jump dulu ke, dia. aku risau sebab aku takut lutut aku tak kuat nak jump dibuat nya tetiba bot tu tersway jauh dari kapal. and my doa just before i jump in was.. ya Allah ya Tuhanku, aku berserah kepadaMu coz there is no one else who can help all of us except You. and aku terbayang lagi wajah2 lisa and joey.. whatever it is, i love you both with all my heart. and i know if anything were to happen, Allah will take care of you. 

just to show how i felt the sea was during that time around our boat. this is NOT the actual boat

all of us were the 3rd group to jump on to the boat. most of us decided to stay at the frontal of the boat. hujan masih renyai.. not so lebat but enough to wet us. and it is getting so cold. aku tengok tshirt dia memang dah lencun. aku masih simpan towel aku dalam drybag aku. i think at that point of time cuma 6 to 8 of us kat depan bot tu. kat depan, tak de bumbung... kitorang bersiling langit malam. aku terus duduk sebab nak kurangkan terhoyong hayang. aku dah tak mampu nak cakap apa2. aku tengok dia.. entah.. aku tengok dia ni macam selamba je.. tapi nampak kesejukan. aku tak tau apa dia fikir masa tu. maybe dia pun macam aku, fikir family dia... kut... aku bercakap sendiri, dalam hati. and aku terfikir, baiknya dia ni... kawan dia sorang dah entah mana.. and lagi sorang dah kena tinggal for 2nd trip. and so nice of him to stick by us. tiba2 aku rasa selamat.. dia ada.. 

punggung aku sakit.. rasa sangat tak selesa.. i needed to move from where i was seated. aku tengok sebelah dia macam selesa jer.. kan best kalau aku dapat duduk sebelah dia and lean on his shoulder.. ahh dah dah.. sis tak payah nak berangan sangat boleh tak? kenapa aku rasa macam ni eh? apa yang ada pada dia yang buat aku rasa macam ni? i could not stop looking at him again. it was dark.. i really needed to move.. aku scout around him kalau ada spot yang lebih selesa untuk aku. aku pandang dia.. tapi aku tak sure if he was looking at me. aku kuatkan diri untuk bangkit.. lutut aku macam dah nak locked. mungkin sebab sejuk kut. tapi aku nak bangun. i want to sit nearer to him. wanna feel safe with him near me.. hangat sket kut.. heheheh 😜gatai! masa ni mungkin aku dah fikir, apa nak jadi jadi lah. i wanna feel safe beside him. and so, i got up.. and held on to his knees and pull myself up. tapi masa tu aku tak pandang direct ke his face sebab aku segan.. but i can feel like ekor mata dia pandang aku.. maybe dia terkejut sebab tiba2 aku berpaut pada lutut/peha dia..?

expectation