a better me

Wanna see my flat tummy?
Come to my #zumbafitness class

What's my secret?
Rub on the tummy twice daily and you will get it! With a good and healthy eating habit, it works faster!...

Qada' & Qadar

as the days goes by at times i am okay and at times i will get my anxiety attack. no doubt i will use my busy-ness to cover up all these issues. i was at the doctor today and his comment surprised me! totally..! yeah he was being realistic or perhaps he just want me to be prepared for the worst case scenario as he has witnessed a few cases - but hey... i believe in qada and qadar. our hearts belongs to Him and only He can change it. so if he is going to remain as he says, what else can i say but to accept that. after all, all these are just loaned from Him. tonight i really felt the emptiness even by sitting close to him. i am feeling numb already. though i miss him, that was what i felt tonight. is that how He is making me stronger each day? i dont know.. Allahualam. may Allah ease the pain that i am going through. gnite... sleep tight... asalamualaikum.
 

stay strong

i wanted to write about how nice we were on sunday before, during, and after the meeting. how he introduced me as his wife and having this thought in my head.. "owh ok he still feels i am his wife" . then last night too. but i sensed that he was somehow feeling awkward. i am not sure if its due to him feeling guilty or he was just feeling uneasy with my confession during the day. but he wasn't upset when i told him that. today i realize that feeling good with those introduction to his acquaintances are just the temporary happiness because i still need to face the reality. the reality that he has gave up on us... let the reason be kept for now - let's say its circumstances that separates us.

having him at home but knowing that he is not staying is more hurtful. i wish i can say or write more but somehow it gets very tiring. i have tried all i can to save it, to save us but all i get is cold shoulder. i am tired of crying... i don't cry for him so much anymore. mischa seems to be lost too. perhaps she felt like papa is leaving her. there was this one day when he was hugging mischa and i said... "mischa.. papa doesn't love us, he is leaving us.. he doesn't care" and he gave me the look and said "you know that's not true" or did i hear it wrongly.. and i wished that was what he said. 

all i can tell to myself is to stay strong. Ya Allah... this challenge is too great for me right now... please... :"(