outcast

imagine sitting at the same table with 3 other people and you are the only one who do not understand the language, and they keep on talking and chatting as though you are invisible.

imagine sitting at the couch watching TV with 2 other people and while watching TV they were discussing about what is shown on TV in they own language and juts ignore your presence.

imagine being in the car that you drove with 3 other people in the car but they speak a foreign language that you do not understand.

imagine you trying to make a descent conversation and someone whom you cared for just walk away from you like you were talking to the wall.

imagine you were the only one not knowing where everyone is going and you are staying in the same home.

imagine yourself coming home to a house full of people but no one bothers to even ask "how was your day?"

imagine coming home feeling so hungry and there was nothing on the table coz everyone had early dinner without telling you.

how long can a person stay in that circumstances?

why didn't somebody realize that it hurts to be an outcast.

regardless how bad someone's character might be, always remember, it is not the person that is bad - it is the character and no one deserves to be treated like that.

pls pray for me

life has been like a roller coaster for me. i shall not dwell on the sad things that is happening unless i really have to. it was much easier to give advice to others then to face certain situation yourself. so, yeah.. talking to some people may make you feel better or for some, not. there are certain things that are just beyond your control no matter how much you try. but yeah.. suddenly i am out of words to type. my fingers can feel the nervousness of the uncertainty that is going to happen.

the whole of last week was very rough. during those times, at times i hated the statement that was supposedly makes me feel better by saying God has better plans for me. but who am i to question and argue with God, right? so, at the end of the day... i will have to accept His will. am i hurt? damn right i am. and also with the thought or you can feel that some people seems to be relieved with what is happening to me. it would be harsh to say that they are glad.. or they are happy coz obviously they are not sad. i am not gonna say life is unfair cos i am grateful with what that have been granted to me. i need ALL the prayers that i could have for me to be happy again and be more grateful with all that is given to me. :'( being emotional as a normal human being... my life is almost empty and drained.. no more tears left to cry... i need all the positive energy that i could get. Ya Allah.. pls return him back to me.. and insyaAllah as a better person. ameen...

separuh jiwaku pergi...
he is my better person that You have granted... why do this to me now? :'(

Istikharah Cinta - my version

i have done the toughest part of event in my life - this week is my most crucial moment in my life. although nothing is confirmed yet because i still believe the power of Allah and what He can do to everyone - i am sort of already broken down into pieces. i have told lisa first and she has been there for me while i broke down into tears. it just fell off like water fall. it just could not stop. Allah always tested a person with something/someone that we really love. and this time it was Kaiser. he is the love of my life other than my kids. and now, i might lose him. for the first time ever, i did solat istikharah for Allah to help me with my love. insyaallah, i pray to be strong to face this challenge. 

joey, thank you so much for the hug that i will cherish forever. and lisa, i am sorry that you had to be there all the time for me in difficult moments.

Kalau dia lah jodoh ku hingga ke Jannah, kuatkan lah cinta hati2 kami, berkatilah perhubungan kami. Kalau ditakdirkan oleh Mu bahawa dia bukan jodoh ku, kuatkan lah hati ku untuk menerima apa jua di depan ku. Ameen...

God's Challenge

If this is God's challenge for me... it is so hurtful. it makes my whole body weak. my blood pressure went low and i am having acid reflux. God.. please... i love him so much to just let go what we have already built. it is just too painful. i know the sayings that God will give whats best for me.. why give him to me just later to take him away? i have all these questions in my mind. i am speechless.. been crying whole day yesterday... and today.. tolong laaa... pls.... i just want him not anybody else. 

 

our journey in summary

thank you to those who prayed for our safety while we were there and back :)

i have been sharing stories about my experience in Mekah & Madinah. now i understand the actual feeling. people used to share with me stories but i just cannot relate. i cannot feel the awesomeness that they were talking about. so, here i am sharing the stories - summary of it, and it is okay if you do not feel anything special about it. you own your own feelings and only He can let you feel what you are supposed to feel. 

i am truly grateful that i can go with my 2 kids and my parents for umrah. i had this thought before this if ever i can have that chance. thinking that my parents are getting older year by year, i do not want to put high hopes. but - alhamdulillah it was okay.. both my parents were okay there except we cannot expect my mom to be running like younger people. hehehe :D but yeah alhamdulillah it went well and only on the last day my mom did her tawaf on a driven wheel chair.

before i went, i sort of planned to write to share with my fellow bloggers on my daily experience. but you know what, when i was there, my time was occupied with going to and fro from hotel to the mosque. if you ask me, i didn't even have the urge to even go shopping. only after a few days i sort of had to because i am already out of clothes. hehehe :D and laundry was expensive. so, yeah, we did some shopping for abayas. there are just too many to choose from and beautiful and not expensive. :)) unlike the ones sold here. so, yeahh i bought only 7 pieces for me :p hehehe :D few for lisa and about 5 jubah for joey. or was it more?

eiman travel was good in the sense that they have quliyyah every day after asar. we tried our best to join the session. we stayed at a different hotel so that it will be easier for my parents to be nearer to the mosque. sorry i could not share so many photos. some that i really like have been uploaded on my instagram. if you are my follower, you will be able to view. sorry if i have not accepted you to be my follower. 

i am so sleepy now to continue blogging. stop kejap nak solat :D will continue later, insyaallah. lots more to share...

on the last day in Madinah. at the side of Masjid Al Nabawi.

at the museum. we received free q'uran per person! :)

my parents at the museum.

normal view there ~ lisa will be with my mom and joey with my dad most of the time.

happy 69th birthday mama :) :*