i missed him, but,
he made me cry again
with his accusations, harsh words
anger that he should be pointing them out to someone else
havent i had enough misery
a person who just need to let out
and i became the victim?
i became the target
and why did i let this happen
why do i stick with this
why do i have to endure
i do not have to
but its my choice
*sigh*... and its happening again
tis not the 1st time
and i guess it'll not end

things have changed

was at bsc during lunch today. just got to get out of the office. havent been to bsc for quite some time. a lot of promotions for raya and deepavali. my fren went for her groceries, i walked around and meet up with my 2 other friends who opened up a booth there during ramadhan. saw azwan ali.. heh..heh.. i saw a booth with swarovski.. (is that how they spell it) but was shy to stopby even to take a look at it. i know that things have changed for me. i no longer go shopping in that area. so i just went off straight to my friends' booth. stayed there for about 10 minutes and went up to guardian and bought the hair gel that joey asked for. :D yeup, he asked for hair gel and he is 6 years old. :D anyway, done with groceries, meet up with my fren and she accompanied to the swarovski booth.. yey! hemm.. not so bad la the price, affordable. :) i have been so afraid of buying things nowadays coz i have to make sure that whatever i have is enough till end of the month for me and my kids. i wish i could just browse thru the beautiful clothes sold at the booth. well, with my fren beside me, i dared to take a look... and guess what.. RM780 for a pair of baju kurung! darnn... and i jokingly said to my fren, that was about the price for my baju nikah 10 years ago man!! LOL.. *sigh*

yey its friday... i have been waiting for weekend! aarrgghh.... best nyer lepak rumah. :) have a good weekend u guys.

before that, enjoy this joke that i received in my mailbox today! :D

gemalaisari dance group

:) i received an sms yesterday from someone who asked how much do i charge for wedding shows. it has been quite sometime since the last show that we had. yeup, the last was at jw marriot hotel. it was a success. my free lance dancers are still active, just that i do not have time to look for business. well, now that i am single again, i guess, why not? :D and it struck into my mind to rearrange our dance group website. and as i was driving to work today, that was what on my mind, thinking of what to do next. :)

have u watched 'numbers - axn'

if u have, what do u think of that series? i thot it was something like csi. i couldnt sleep last nite. well actually i slept right after maghrib, dont feel well, had slight fever. but a few friends sort of plan a meet up after terawikh. so, i got up around 930pm and call up ali. unfortunately, ali was tired after coming back from buka with her family. so, okay lah... i was quite unstable myself. decided not to go. so, there were only the guys. bad thing about it, i couldnt sleep. watched samarinda with my mom. okay la... liked eja. :) until around 11pm. so later changed to axn and tried to watched 'numbers'.. conclusion... boring nak mampus.. but dunno why i stayed till the end of the story. :D they are so lembab.. using maths kunun to solve the problem.. i dunno, i just dont see the 'kedahsyatan' of the officers.. hehe.. okay la, better stop now. before i merapu.

selamat berpuasa guys... :)

aku hanyalah hambaMu yang amat lemah

numb is the word. i dont know or perhaps i dont feel anything. work is frustrating. felt unappreciated. something needs to be done. i am feeding 2 + 1 mouths single handed. cannot depend on others to live. i may not dare to jump to another organization but if things do not change and not on my side, i will have to do it. meanwhile, God, please help me to retain my performance or at least make me happy to be where i am right now. please forgive me for not remembering You enough that i am facing all these challenges, one after another.

karma - what goes around comes around. :) we will wait and see. pray for the best! you are making the same mistake, human! sesungguhnya Tuhan akan sentiasa di sisi hambaNya yang benar. Ya Allah ya Tuhanku... please give me the strength to be on the right path, amend my mistakes, jauhi yang Engkau mungkari. aku hanyalah hambaMu yang amat lemah.

Bingkisan Doa

Ya Allah...
Seandainya telah engkau catatkan....
Dia milikku tercipta buatku....
Satukanlah hatinya dengan hatiku...
Titipkanlah kebahagian antara kami...Agar kemesraan itu abadi...
Dan ya Allah... ya tuhanku yang maha mengasihi....
Seiringkanlah kami melayari hidup ini ....
Ke tepian yang sejahtera dan abadi...

Tetapi ya Allah....
Seandainya telah engkau takdirkan...Dia bukan milikku....
Bawalah ia jauh dari pandangan ku....
Luputkanlah ia dari ingatanku....
Dan peliharalah aku dari kekecewaan....
Serta ya Allah ya tuhanku yang maha mengerti....
Berikanlah aku kekuatan....

Dan ya Allah yang tercinta...Gantikanlah yang telah hilang...
Tumbuhkanlah kembali yang telah patah....
Walaupun tidak sama dengan dirinya... Ya Allah ya tuhanku...
Pasrahkan lah aku dengan takdirmu....
Sesungguhnya apa yang telah engkau takdirkan....
Adalah yang terbaik buatku...Kerana engkau maha mengetahui....
Segala yang terbaik buat hamba Mu ini...

Ya Allah....
Cukuplah engkau sahaja yang menjadi pemeliharaku....
Di dunia dan di akhirat....
Dengarlah rintihan dari hamba Mu yang daif ini...
Jangan engkau biarkan aku sendirian....
Di dunia ini mahupun di akhirat
Menjuruskan aku kearah kemaksiatan dan kemungkaran....
Maka kurniakanlah aku seorang pasangan yg beriman....
Supaya aku dan dia sama2 dapat membina kesejahteraan hidup....
Ke jalan yang Engkau redhai...Dan kurniakanlah padaku keturunan yg
soleh.

AMIN... Ya Rabbal A'lamin.

things that we cant stop...

..is when from a friendship, it leads to something more than that. right now, i am sad that it has somehow affected our friendship. am not saying that he has always been there for me, but he is someone that i can rely on. i have been thinking that at times, when we are nice to some people, that does not mean that it should lead to something more than friendship. there are things that we need to understand that sudah lumrahnya, it will only remain friends. it is sad but that's how it is. whatever it is, i am still open to Allah swt's decision. what plans that He has for me.

btw, as i was driving to office this morning, saw someone that made me smile... someone that i dont know, but he made me smile... and made me believe that i still have hope :)

right now, i miss joelis... so very much..

been busy at work..and been neglecting my blog :D... i have a few posts saved as draft. will publish them once i manage to find time..till we meet again.

sick..sick..sick...

yeeeee haaaaa..the dude is in the blog... unfortunately, the weather is a bit cloudy and the nose is stuffy.. daaaa.... thats it folks,my 1st attempt of blogging... till i have the time...

mati itu adalah benar...

sat, 16th sept 2006. i do not have any plan except to attend joey's concert on sunday. slept really early friday nite. was feeling extra tired. was already awake just before 7am but when my mom entered the room i was shocked. my close friend's father who is also our neighbour passed away. innalilahiwainnalilahirajiun... rushed for a quick shower, walked over to his house with my mom. recite yassin and stayed for a while. it was too fast. he was okay that day, went for friday prayers and then to carefour. i was thinking of my own parents. will i be prepared if i were to lose any of them? not at the moment, no! will i ever be ready? i guess the answer would be, no one will ever be ready for such event. hence, after visiting, i decided to drive my parents to kampong that day coz i want to be with them, whenever i can. :) persuaded joelis to come with us. we cleaned the graveyards of my grandparents. joelis seems to get new experience. :) they took turn putting the flowers and 'daun pandan'. joey asked lots of question..:) as expected. and he also told me that he remembered when his 'buyut', my grandmother was buried here. we read the 'doa' together. and at that point of time, somehow, we will think, when i die, will my children remembers and do this? we can only pray that they will. it was peaceful there, although some trees do scare me... or us? :D

what the...

ihik..ihik... like i can type out what i really wanna say la kan.. :D i am not gonna say it has been a busy week, day or whatever... coz, it has been busy.. cuma different, new things happened along the way. mcm siol je cakap kan. naahhh the thing is i am so frustrated that someone who is a genius can be so ^$%#%$ stupid when it comes to understanding his own children's welfare. huh.. i do not plan to get into details, coz i am tired even to think about him... nevertheless, i am watching him getting eaten up by his own guilt! hahaha...

free trip..yey! 6th Sept 2006 - 8th Sept 2006

taken from my old blog... was originally posted on 9th Sept 2006.

1st day: i was in pulau redang last wednesday and stayed at laguna redang island resort. best!! loved it. love the place, the people, surrounding, almost everything about the place except it was really really hot!! my 1st experience going snorkelling. :) got up at 5.50am on wednesday, supposed to catch the 6.30am lrt. but couldnt make it on time :D. got into a cab instead and went straight to the meeting point. we got into 2 cabs to subang airport. it was quite a smooth flight. i fell asleep. arrived at pulau redang airport at around 10.30am. got into a van, went to the jetty for the boat to the resort.. took us about 15 minutes ride. arrived at the resort, went in for a short briefing, with welcome drink later, and we checked in. it was too late for breakfast and we had 1 hour before lunch. so since our room is not ready, we were at one of our friend's room. and i brought sardine curry puffs! yey! we had curry puffs that i made last nite for snacks while waiting for lunch time. the room was nice... enough for 4 adults! had buffet lunch, got back to the room to change and later got out of the room for my 1st time snorkelling! yey! i got my own snorkelling gears... dont think i can share the rented ones.. eerr...yuckka.. hehehe...:D i got panicked for a while in the water. i was already somewhere... and suddenly, alamak.. the boat was quite far. and i felt like i was surrounded by giant corals!! LOL... ngarut kan.. :D but yea... i got scared.. the corals are beautiful, and so are the fish(s)...various colors and sizes and types. got back to the resort, dip into the huge pool! and the nice thing about the pool, the water is hot, either it is heated or because of the sun! hahaa..swam until just before 7pm. changed for dinner. after dinner, we lepak by the beach..lazying around and listen to the resort's live band. we tried the disco but the music was just not our type...techno.. hemm too noisy. however, enjoyed the live band.

2nd day: got up early... went for breakfast and got ready for the next snorkeling trip. they say this trip should not be missed coz we will see lots of fish!! more than yesterday. baby sharks, eel (if we are lucky). and know what, you wont regret it.. the place was mmmuahh!!! syiokkk! too many fish(s) that i was afraid that they'll bite me.. hehehe. we were given bread to feed the fish. 2 hours felt like too short :) went back to the resort after 11.30am.. just in time for lunch. went back to the room, showered and changed for lunch. we were supposed to go for the 3rd trip of snorkelling but everyone was tired :( so, i pun tak jadik laaa.. roaming instead. :) and had a good afternoon nap till around 4pm! got up... the star cruise from singapore stopped at the resort till 6pm. they had their band. it was happening!! felt like we are not in malaysia! lots of handsome guys...perasan handsome and body cantek pun ada! wkakakaka!! ladies..? okay la.. after that, went swimming in the sea.. till 7.15pm. showered, and got ready for dinner. after dinner, lepak by the beach... listened to the live band, enjoying the bright moon till after midnight. ;)

3rd day: our last provided meal, breakfast. more of walking around, got souveniors for joelis. they had been calling me and asking when i am coming home :) miss them a lot too! finished packing our bags at 11.00am. had lunch at redang beach resort nearby, got into the boat to the airport at around 2.00pm. our flight back to kl was at 3.50pm.

it was raining when we reached kl. the cab driver took us back to the office using federal hi-way. huge mistake!! we got stuck in the jam for more than 1 hour!!

had a good break from work! but, i think i did not get enough tan laa... :) do i wanna go back there? yezzzaaaaa... ;-)