by posting this today does not mean that i did not have my good times or good days since the last i posted. just that at times, i felt that i cannot express my feelings to people who can understand how i am actually feeling right now. i am sure they have their own opinion but still, they are not in my shoes. even by writing these i have all these vibration and uneasiness in my whole body. my fingers became semi-numb and i can feel my heartbeat became faster than usual, i have butterflies in my tummy.
by me being extra emotional makes me become insensitive about other people feelings, which is not good for me. the latest, for example was, last night* - and until today i can feel the warmth on my face coz i know i have not let it all out and let AH understand what i felt last night - which affects me till today. and to make matters worst, i become someone who thinks negatively unnecessarily and started to ask questions that may lead to unnecessary arguments.
throwback *, i did not tell AH that i am having zumba practice at home - simply because i will be home anyway. and plus i know AH is going out for dinner and normally he will be out with his friends till late. he might, not miss having a conversation with me anyway (assumption). so then, he called twice, and of course since i sort of started practicing, i miss his calls. he saw me live on IG story and knew that i was having zumba practise. being a typical partner, (i would say partner because these could happen to male or female -- but personally i would not entertain my own feelings about this if it was me coz it is too petty) anyway, i understand that he wants to be manja and merajuk about this, but due to my emotional state, i have become sensitive myself when he declined my vc because he merajuk. the thought that triggered me immediately was... that blood gushed to the whole body feelings and i felt so down and already crying inside. and i thought immediately last night, "dah la joey tak nak bercakap dengan aku, now AH pulak nak merajuk and don't want to speak to me. so might as well, i take myself somewhere where i can really be alone for the weekend. it wouldn't mean anything to me anymore pun being together in gathering but still not happy" so, yeah.. that was how i felt last night. i hope i will feel better after writing all these down.
maybe i can find a place where they can accept having a cat in the room? 😎 coz it is always the sadness leaving mischa alone at home stopped me from going anywhere.