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i had to

i was so sad that you were upset. i am sorry but i had to do what i had to do. things have changed between us. you decided on the changes, not me. and you said that we both had to either leave our lives, or live our life. both ways means more or less the same. i know i am dependent on you still. i don't know how i will work it out with some things.. with the house payment and all. but insyallah, Allah is with me and things will work out fine. there will be a way. i have Him to help me out. sooner or later i will have to be on my own anyway.

and at the point that you already have her in your life - you will not need the privileges that i have been giving you anyway. i am not upset that you have her in your life. i am just upset with myself for having the hope that you will return. i misunderstood all the signals.

i feel bad for having to do what i had to do. but i need to be able to do this alone. cut you off totally. as i cannot live with your shadows around me anymore. it just hurt me too much. thank you for being there in my life, it was beautiful years and i hope there are some of them that is real.

i told you i was sorry for having to block the credit card. i know you paid for it but since we are sharing credit limit and i have to see in your statement what you use it for, i am not that strong if i have to bear with all that. that is all. i want to move on. for now, i cannot be friends with you just yet. let me get this out of my system. i am sorry - i need to do what i have to do for me to be stronger.

you may think that i hold some grudges, but i don't. i don't have the right to feel what i feel that day when we last communicate anyway. but i have the rights to do what i am doing right now. and i know some consequences that i will need to face.

#pleaseprayformetobestrong

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when my son calls me by name instead of Mom :p

it has been a long time since my kids send me appreciation notes. i have begun to think that this is what i will have to go through and accept :) as my kids are growing up and they, especially joey, are no more as expressive as before, as when they were much younger. and perhaps, i should learn to be less sensitive about these things and just focus on them being a grown up. errmmm well not really about joey looking at his room condition!

but today, as i was rushing in the morning to open up my studio for yoga, they both came into my bedroom and gave me these :) hehehe :D it was funny, and thoughtful at the same time :D


ya Allah, thank you so much for giving me such beautiful children - please protect them wherever they go and may they both become anak2 yang soleh & solehah.  Love you both so much... Saaa & Adik :*