seeking for peace

peace of mind is what i meant. honestly i am not happy at work. SO NOT HAPPY to the fact that i really HATE IT at work. as many others, i am trying so damn hard to stay positive and be grateful for i am still employed. of course i am grateful. but doesn't mean i am happy there. it just sucks big time. i am not doing what i like anymore. i am just doing it for the month end paycheck. yeahh having that moment and i have been distributing my updated CVs again. and this time is for real.

i was upset the other day, for some reasons that is happening in my life. i don't really like to think about it because i know nothing is gonna happen. i am stuck in my current life where i am in a way dependable on someone else. i am not fully independent yet. be it financially or emotionally - which is the toughest one of all.

i want to be on my own, where i can just decide and do without worrying of monthly income. kaiser has been busy as usual and he trains joey 3 times a week now. i have been lacking with my own training with PTC because of my busy schedule and my run down emotion.. blame it on the irregular PMS. hmmmm... so, i hope i will be back on track this weekend. tired of looking at my bloated self. but i always remember when Nanahaleq mentioned about women being bloated is normal. so, it makes me feel much better. i told PTC that i have come to a term where i will do what i can do and accept the fact that age does affects what i do. and i do not want to strain myself but enjoy the journey. i like looking good and fit - for myself. i love myself where i don't look like any other over 40s mommies. i am different and i like it. so yeahhh...

got to go for lunch now - i will write more, insyaallah to avoid me getting cuckoo!!