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Showing posts from March, 2017

turning point

just when i have been laughing and smiling more than crying for the last 2 weeks, he has to give me this video lah? one thing about this production, it relates to people's everyday life stories. which are real. and which this production makes you watch it and say "yeah, it is similar like what is happening to me now.. or this was what happened" kinda thang. 
so when i watch the video.. i kinda relate to my previous relationship and the realisation came late and it cannot be saved anymore. but that didn't make me cry.. relating it to my previous relationship.
but what made me cry was when she said something about being afraid of attachment.. about pulling back whatever that i feel. and about afraid of losing someone and in this case.. i am afraid of losing him hence i am creating this wall.. this is to protect myself from getting hurt again. afraid of losing someone who has been my sunshine when it has been raining for days. who gives me that smile on my face whenever i…


when it comes to you, i keep on telling myself to be strong. or i keep on telling myself to move on. i wish someday i can really be okay with all these things that are happening around me. i still have some parts of you in me which is still too difficult for me to get rid of. it is so hard and sad that someone whom you used to be with is now a stranger in your life. you only contact me if you need something from me - and yes, that is what / who you are now. you, make me see you as someone who wants to take advantage of what we have / had. i wish i am strong enough to say F6%k off but because despite of your selfishness and huge ego that you have in you, i still believe you are a good person and you, have taught me a lot about life. you have been there with us all these while - just that the thought will comes if they are all real, at all before this?

seeking for peace

peace of mind is what i meant. honestly i am not happy at work. SO NOT HAPPY to the fact that i really HATE IT at work. as many others, i am trying so damn hard to stay positive and be grateful for i am still employed. of course i am grateful. but doesn't mean i am happy there. it just sucks big time. i am not doing what i like anymore. i am just doing it for the month end paycheck. yeahh having that moment and i have been distributing my updated CVs again. and this time is for real.

i was upset the other day, for some reasons that is happening in my life. i don't really like to think about it because i know nothing is gonna happen. i am stuck in my current life where i am in a way dependable on someone else. i am not fully independent yet. be it financially or emotionally - which is the toughest one of all.

i want to be on my own, where i can just decide and do without worrying of monthly income. kaiser has been busy as usual and he trains joey 3 times a week now. i have been…