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Thursday, June 30, 2011

kaku - mcm batu

tersangat marah skrg ni... tadi tak marah cuma sedih. tapi skrg marah campur sedih. aku tak boleh ckp dgn sapa2. jadi aku luahkan kat blog. aku dah tak boleh pikir straight skrg ni. kalau korang baca ni layan je lah.. baru kejap ni aku kena marah dgn laki aku sebab aku tak tido lagi and switch on lappy aku. aku terpaksa, kalau tak aku tak leh tido. tapi dia bukan paham kalau aku ckp. aku dah penat skrg ni. dari tadi aku dah sebak. paham tak perasaan sebak macamana. kepala aku dah penuh macam2 skrg ni. pasal kerja aku tak payah sentuh, coz aku bukan ada pilihan lain pun. nak tak nak aku kena stay... so, i will just stop talking about work here.

pick up the frieking phone!! tau tak anak ko dah berapa hari cuba call?? aku sms jgn harap nak reply lah. aku bukan saja2 nak sms. semua hal anak2. jgn ditimpa perasaan boleh tak? ko tau tak, anak ko simpan duit yang dia menang sebab nak belanja ko keluar tengok wayang? ko tau tak dia beriya2 plan nak buat semua tu. ko paham tak perasaan anak ko sebenar macamana??? bukan sikit tau dia nak belanja ko tengok wayang. dia nak belanja ko kat gold seating kat pavi tu. aku pun belum pernah lagi tgk wayang kat gold seat tu. tapi anak ko dah plan sebab dia nak belanja  sebab fathers' day katanya. tapi ada ko kesah??? ada ko terpikir nak call balik ke... sms balik ke bila ada message tu??? aku sedih sgt bila aku balik kerja tadi dlm kul 820malam, anak aku ckp, "ma, joey belanja mama je lah tgk wayang kalau daddy tak call balik" kesian statement dia tuh. aku pun terdiam jer...

tiba2 tadi aku dah rasa tak mampu nak buat semua. tapi macamana?? aku dah terlanjur janji. aku tak sampai hati nak biarkan mama... tapi hari ni aku memang terasa sangat penat.. letih otak aku. but the best thing is, i work best under pressure :P cheeyywaahh... hehheh :D aku buat menu card dgn poster nak promote cafe mama dalam masa 2 jam... perghhh!! terrer aku kan... by the time aku balik rumah, aku dah tak de selera nak makan coz kepenatan. time tu gak lak laki aku sms ajak kuar malam ni... aku ckp aku baru je masuk rumah mama... rasa mcm letih sgt... dia punya reply sms tu mmg bunyi kecewa.. tapi mmg aku letih sgt... kaghang tak larat aku nak nari derrr..  :(

esok hari amik report card. dah 3 hari try contact daddy joey tapi tu lahh... tak reti2 nak reply..or jwb.. agak eh bini dok jaga handphone dia kut.. ha dah abih geram lah nihhh... ko tak yah takut lahh aku tak de nya amik laki ko tuh... aku pun dah ada laki sendiri! so aleh2 atok gak tolong.. aku lak nak kejar kan kerja pi set meeting pepagi buta kul 8am esok.. hmmmm nak harap laki aku skrg ni. mampuih... bazir air liur jerr... kalau cakap lebih2 kaghang bunyik mcm byk yg aku tak puas hati.. baik aku diam jer... 

aku dah bingung.. tadi cepat2 mandi... solat.. aku doa kat Tuhan tlg aku settle satu2 issue aku... aku nangis lagi... kelmarin waktu solat kat office pun aku nangis.. aku tak tau tapi aku rasa tersangat sedih... lagi sedih bila aku tak leh ckp kat sape2 kut.. :( aaahhhh.. aku nak tido.. tapi aku tak leh masuk bilik selagi aku tak stop nangis nih.. nnt aku kena marah lagi dgn laki aku..

dah la tadi dia suruh aku tido luar... sampai hati dia... :'( dan byk lagi aku tak habis luah kan...

saat ni jugak lah aku terpikir... "seth tan... kenapa lah ko tak benar2 wujud?" * busdus * :P

my yoghurt moment

lately i am always looking forward for yoghurt moment with kaiser. in my little head, i miss the times when kaiser comes home early... or not as late as nowadays. but then again, busyness makes him happy - and alhamdulillah more rezeki for the family. normally he'd buy yoghurt just in case he gets hungry late night, he stopped after awhile coz he found out that his tummy bulged for eating too much yoghurt. then i started to buy, coz at times, i am lazy to have dinner. so.. eating yoghurt has become the moment of yoghurt for me.. and him.. nothing special just that i will be fighting for his yoghurt & vice versa.. heheh :D 
dont take my yogurt!! :P
 
i arrived home after picking up joelis last night, kaiser was already home. :) since it was already 930pm.. joelis went straight upstairs to their rooms. joey came down again to borrow kaiser's phone to call his dad. their phone is out of order, and calling his dad using my phone will not get picked up. hmmm no answer... joey went upstairs, a bit frustrated. "why didn't daddy pick up the call?" he questioned. "maybe daddy is sleeping" i said. after a few kisses.. joey went upstairs to his room.

i fall asleep on the couch beside kaiser.. hehehe :D too tired after a netball game.. owhh we won!! ;) and i played well... yey! ;) after about 15 minutes, i heard kaiser's voice.. "hey.. you sleep or what?" i was too sleepy to answer :P " i wanna get yoghurt" "arrghhhh - i want yoghurt too!" and with his sly smile, he took my yoghurt from the fridge!! no way i am gonna let him finish my yoghurt!! hehehe :D i took 1 spoon full and went upstairs to shower before i fall asleep in my cosy bed.. ..aaahhhh how nice.... ;)

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

ein needs chillin'

i know i am busy... as stated on my status on gtalk. but i just have to write.. i need to blog to de-stress. i was on the way to the office when my office colleague called. we have a project together that needed attention. and when she asked where i was, the questions were, 'kerja tak? ke, dah tak nak kerja lagi? ke, cuti?' and that put a tinker in my head. i don't really know what that means, but you know i know lah :P those questions have been playing in my head. and i really need to let it out. and my answer to my friend was, 'sebenarnya memang aku dah tak nak kerja situ lagi' why? there is something.. but i cannot say it or mention it here. i am so de-motivated - yes. but is my work lacking? nope. just the 'semangat' is not there anymore. i took the day off this week, 2 days in fact and coming back to the office.. with loads of stuff on my plate.. errrmmm... i just don't want to do this anymore

and i have lots of posting overdue:
  • cimb rude staff
  • restaurants review - felda dsaji
  • cafe opening preparation -  yeup we are opening a cafe :)
how laaa??? 

i had a greeaaaatt time yesterday although it was tiring. i wanna be on my own. i wanna have my own time so that i can be with my kids. lots of things i wanna do... but time is so limited... like what people say, nafsu & kehendak ada, tapi kudrat & kemampuan is limited.

ya Allah ya Tuhan ku... sesungguhnya apa jua urusan ku adalah kerana Mu jua.. hidupku - matiku - hanyalah untukMu. ampunilah kekhilafan hambaMu ini. kealpaaan... sesungguhnya hanya Kau lah cintaku yang agung dan abadi.. berkatilah usahaku yaAllah demi membesarkan anak2 ku.. 

mommy daughter day - sports day ;)

so, okay... the earlier plan was, me, staying for lisa's cheerleading and go home.. but guess what? i ended staying during the whole event and not feeling bored at all. :) with my asus, phone, and 500D with me.. i am one happy woman!! truly enjoyed the sports day... can't remember the last time i attended one ;) and watching my used to be a lil girl growing up to be a teenager, hmmm how time flies. 
click for bigger picture
she looked really cheerful and full of smiles on her face during the cheerleading competition. imho, her group, yellow house @ bendahara was the most sweet and innocent moves and great songs. and i am proud to see that lisa can move like that :) and she was really enjoying herself too! maybe you'd say that i am bias, but the red team @ laksamana should not have been the champion! they kinda frozen when their cd was scratched and the song jumped. they became not synchronized after that. how can they win?? and green house @ syahbandar, with that identity that they were wearing, i would have used the mj song.. more army-ish songs and make sure all moves are sharp! i love the blue house @ temenggung outfit... and i think they have quite a few girls with this cheerleader face. 
can't leave coz lisa was supposed to run. after a few event, lisa would come to my place and sit for a while with me. i bought for her kfc breakfast [the nearest ok :P ] but told her not to eat so much as she will be running. and i was amazed and impressed and so proud that she can run so fast!! wowwiee.. there i was standing - the only mommy with yellow top [hmmm.. i have never worn a yellow top before, have i?] yelling and shouting "lisa! lisa! go go go!!" goshhh... i was really screaming you can't imagine!! and her group won 1st place!!! lisa actually overtook 3 girls!! 
by almost 2pm the event was over.. we were so starving and hot and sticky and hungry and lisa was glittering from the silver/gold dust. oowhh and she got them all over my car!!! dangggg.... i was driving and almost fallen asleep.. we had another round of kfc for late lunch.. hehhe :D :P [and i feel so fat now!!!] fetched joey from my parents' house and went home.. i slept from 530pm till 7.30pm!! astaga.... what a day... but i enjoyed it :) couldn't stop talking about it with lisa.. ;P

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

why invest in gold & silver, how, and where?

time for serious matter :)

Saturday - 2nd July 2011
8.00pm sharp

No. B-2B-22, Jalan 3/4C
Desa Melawati
53100 Kuala Lumpur

Inquiries: 
Mr. Andreas Osbahr - 013 287 6122
Nurain Kalam - 012 - 290 5653


Why invest in gold & silver?
Learn the history of the precious metals.
How to buy, where to buy, and other questions answered.


school sports day

6.55am – arrived at stadium cheras..

7.40am - here I am in my yellow tshirt, right smack in the middle of high school students of SAB KL.. gosh.. as I smses SZ, I missed being in high school. The difference was my school was all girls school. Heheh :D

this morning was up by 530 coz kaiser’s phone alarm was on. Danggg there goes my extra of 15 mins to sleep. By the time 610am was already getting ready… alaaaa could not find any yellow tshirt.. lisa came into my room and got me one.. :P prepared a mug of milo for joey, lisa prepared cheese sandwich for him and soon off we went to cheras stadium… erkkk… where the heck is that place…gamble lah… before 7am we reached the stadium.

starting now… all those colorful flags.. kids getting prepared for the perbarisan.. lisa is in cheerleading.. although I think my time was more fun, not so much restriction and we can still wear short skirts..huhu… :P but okay lah.. these girls are wearing long pants – the aerobic style and creative in their tshirts – yellow house @ bendahara. the blue house @ temenggung had blue stripe on the side of their pants. the green was kids are wearing army pants and green tshirt.. I don’t know what they are called. and red house… errmmm I cant really see them :P gotta go now… continue later la.. its xango time.. lapar ni!! *i was born this way is on as the background music* I wish I am not alone.. but then again if kaiser is with me right now… lagi stress kut!!! :P entah apa2 dia bebel nanti.. coz there’ll be lots of waiting that’s for sure which he hates and has no patience about!!

8.13am – still waiting here.. hmmm what time are they starting aahh?? If I leave and get breakfast, I am afraid I might miss something.. demmm… how laa.. and right in front of me now, there is a girl and she’s actually revising her school work!! Perrghhh talking about the best school in kl here! Hahaha :D hmmm wait let me peek… hmmm economic babes!! My least fav subject… lol :D

8.15am getting ready for lintas hormat… not bad… they are on time!!! Wahh.. impressed J okay… signing off now.. will upload pics later… wanna concentrate :P

Friday, June 24, 2011

dr sheikh muszaphar - a father to be

as usual every day i would be browsing my daily read blogs and was surprised by the news.. whatever it is, they both looked so happy and glowing. congrats to both dr sheikh and dr halina :) hmmm and he is so darn good looking!!! ....*me drooling*... 
photo: beautifulnara
p/s: blogging while waiting for my meeting to start... where are all these people???? haiishhh...

p/s: tgk dia 2 org ni mcm seth tan dgn nora elena pulak... handsome & lawa ... *sigh*... :)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

blogging on hold

i wanna write about my experience at CIMB stesen sentral this morning, but i wanna rush home for cinta melodi...ermmm.. later tonight lah i update.. okay... :)

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

am i busy or busybody?

that was how i felt when i came into the office this morning... i just felt okay.. i did not sleep like that.. :P now dont get all these funny ideas.. :P

and this was my transformation towards the evening... but alhamdulillah i managed to get around it and conquer!! 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

project aware - beach clean up: redang island 9th july - 11th july 2011

okay... this is a part of work ;) taking this chance to shout in here!! the posting is gonna be a bit formal coz copy paste ok... briefly, few of us in the office, the divers gang - lead by our project director ir ezham abd khalid will be organizing this.. :) confirm best and enjoy punye lah!! 
venue: 
Redang Kalong Resort, Redang Island, Terengganu
date: 
9th July - 11th July 2011



Rate: (3 days 2 nights)
[inclusive food, accommodation, goodies, participation certificate & diving activities at Redang Kalong Resort]

Quad Sharing:
Diver: RM500/person
Non-Diver: RM380/person

Triple Sharing:
Diver: RM670/person
Non-Diver: RM510/person

Terms & Condition applies. Please contact me for details. First come first served basis. 
Corporate sponsors: RM2,000 minimum and send 2 divers for free :) 

stress kah aku?

errmmm not really... personally i dont feel it that much. its normal for some work stress. i guess its more on personal thingy. if you know how to divide your time, it should be fine.. ni dok mainnnn jer... hehhehe :D bukan main, cuma banyak sangat nak tolong orang. serba salah dibuatnya. ok ..ok... settle kerja dulu... nanti update eh... tunggguuu....


Sunday, June 19, 2011

samsung galaxy tab promo - june 2011

i was having breakfast with joelis when i saw the advertisement in the star newspaper. samsung galaxy tab for rm399??? wahhh... just last 2 weekends we were at wwm and the price was rm1500 +-.. so i thought it was a good deal for which i am sure there'd be t&c.. i smsed kaiser and told him about it. 

in summary: we both went to jusco aeon.. to u mobile shop to check it out. i had to explain again to kaiser as he did not get it first.. the salesgirl was very patient and helpful :) after explaining and comparing and asking.. kasier decided to get one for himself :) and getting one too for me for my early bday pressie... yeyyy... :) but... errmm let me see first his usage. :P anyway, it was the best for us so far... and kaiser can use back his old number alto he needs to change his service provider ;) 

and owhh... if you wanna get this promo too, go to u-mobile at aeon jusco, taman keramat and see ms wahidah, she is very helpful. cheyyy as if i get commission for promoting.. but hey.. i am in the customer service line, and i love to be attended professionally. and by writing this, this will also encourage people to be better in customer service ;)

place: u-mobile, aeon, jusco taman keramat - where the AF students were :P
customer service: ms wahidah was helpful, explained in detail and not pushy. good english. 
decor: unique and cheerful color.. but needs to be more spacious for customers to sit while discussing with the sales agent. kaiser was not comfy coz i think he is bigger :P hahhah :D

arrghhh i cannot upload the counters' pics now... later later haaa... ;) now i wanna go and have breakfast with my joelis ;)

Saturday, June 18, 2011

happy fathers' day ayah :)

mohamed kalam abd salam & sunarni ginen
heheheh :D ada macam aziz sattar tak? :P
my dad is mohamed kalam abdul salam.. and he was very fierce. [i wrote was because he is not fierce anymore :P]  in fact both of my parents are very strict. my dad was also a hot tempered person. i remembered when i was still in school, every time before exam, my dad will start revising with us, my elder sister, N1 and i :) and i hated the times for science and maths coz that was his specialty. some of the things that i still remembered until now was when he asked, "what is the meaning of larut" in science and all my answers were wrong to him... he would ask about sifir which i hated too! :P

my dad travels but not so much.. every school holidays, he never fails to bring the family for a vacation. and my fav destination was port dickson :) and that is why until now the tradition is still on :) my dad loves fishing. he will go out to the sea, catch some fish and my mom will cook :) he taught all of us sisters how to swim in the sea. i would  stand on his shoulder and jump in the sea!! i love those moments.. :) and all of us will race to the shore.. 

he is a good cook too! i just love his nasi goreng kampong! i tell you... no one can challenge his nasi goreng kampong.. errmmm someone i know can cook almost like his but my dad's nasi goreng kampong is still the best! with the cili padi, anchovies etc... just nice and crispy! not forgetting his masak lemak sayur... perghhh finger licking good!!!

on weekends, he would also teach us to paint. he will get a board, some paint and we learned to draw and paint :) he does nice sketches too. and now he will do the activities with his grandchildren.

owhh not forgetting, my dad is a very talented man... he can play all kinds of musical instruments, he can dance and he can sing!! :) that explains how all of us got the talent.. *wink*

one incident that i will always remember was when my dad fell down in the drain. i think all my sisters, N1 & N3 except N4 still remember this   :( errmm it was funny also.. although sad lah... my sister and i and our neighbours were on our bicycle.. and somehow my dad wanted to chase us with another bicycle.. then when we reached the field, there was a wood bridge.. and there were lose wood panel... and my dad bicycle's tyre got stuck in it.. and he fell into the drain.. :( in his kain pelikat! kesian my dad... we wanted to laugh coz it was funny but we were also afraid that our dad will get upset or maybe he was in pain.. hehhe :D sorry dad... it was funny.. :P

happy fathers' day ayah.... there are a lot more adventurous stories and fun that i will always cherish with me. you are the best although you can be naughty :P love you a lot... *hugs* *kisses*

Friday, June 17, 2011

what is a surrogate mother? asked joey...

yeuppp... its joey's time again. he really has these kinda questions.. and me being me, never hide the truth.. ;) coz i believe kids deserve to know the truth - just the way you explain it is the challenging part... lets hear it now! ;) 
joey asked in the car yesterday as i was driving to my parents' house to send him after sending lisa to school. joey had a bad flu, so i decided to give him a day off ;) well, better then letting him spreading the germs to his friends, right? i am a responsible mom, you know.. hehehe :D dont get angry...dont get angry.. :P 

joey: ma what is the meaning of surrogate mother?
me: huh..?? whoaa...
joey: yeahh.. 
me: hmmmm.. *paused to think of the best possible way to explain* :P
joey: maa?
me: okay... its errmm.. ibu tumpang..
joey: huuh??
me: okay.. lets say a couple  if they cannot have a baby, they get a woman to have the baby for them. *somehow i know this explanation will get tougher*
joey: but how?
me: hmmm ok, they joined the 'benih' and it'll grow lah in the tummy.
joey: benih?? how did the benih join?
me: well, ermmm... you are not at the age yet for me to explain about people but.. okay lah.. like this..you know how trees grow? 
joey: yes...
me: the trees need benih errmm or bijik to be placed in the tanah to grow right?
joey: aahh yeahh...
me: okay.. the same goes with human.
joey: owhh..
me: so, what happen is the doctor will take the benih (cant really say sperm here coz i'll get more into trouble to explain :P) from the husband, and the benih from the wife, put it somewhere, harvest and then put it in another woman's tummy for the baby to grow. because maybe, the wife's tummy is not capable to grow baby inside. 
joey: owh.. and like gays too?
me: what??
joey: yeahh.. like gays, they cannot have baby.. so they have surrogate mother to have a baby?
me: hmm well, that .. yeahh... can do too... 

*shuckkks... i did not explain that gays cant get benih from each other now!!* :O

joey: hmmm... 

and i do not remember how the conversation ends...

finally has space to breathe!

if you remember my posting below..  http://ngobrolwae.blogspot.com/2011/06/run.html.. now i am relieved. feeling much better as some of the tasks are done.
  • approval memo [90% done] yes!!!
  • budget [submitted 1st draft] yeaaahhhhaaaa
  • cafe stuff [promotion, org chart, flyer] ~ sorry ma... but i cant put these on the top of the list :( [showed my mom.. she's kinda happy with it, but needed to change somemore..]
  • resume [now i need to put this the least when it was the top priority :(] [not looking at this just yet.. only after i am done with the above, but before EK leaves :P ahakss... ]

Thursday, June 16, 2011

zipp it!

was out for lunch.. and hated myself for being who i am right now.. and i really hope it is on temporary basis. i was not like this before. i realized that i have changed. i know there must be something in life that i am not satisfied with that i became like this. it is not good ein. it is the wrong aura. astaghfirullahalazim. i am afraid of myself now and very sad with changes. if you know what i mean.., i want you to know that i do not like the changes either :(

run!!!!!

just finished event meeting... gotta run...!!! not really literally running ... but gotta move!!! according to priority :p

  • approval memo
  • budget
  • cafe stuff [promotion, org chart, flyer] ~ sorry ma... but i cant put these on the top of the list :(
  • resume [now i need to put this the least when it was the top priority :(]

cayookkk!!! you can do it ein!!
p/s: just realized that i am actually updating my 'work' stuff... daammnnnn... :p

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

help!!

ya Allah ya Tuhanku - bantu lah aku... bantu lah kembali kan my mood untuk bekerja ni.. :( omg... buntu betul selagi project ni tak jalan - selagi tu lah batu jemala patik seakan akan frozen mcm lagu madonna tu... god..help me...

p/s: chopp... tak bermakna aku tak buat kerja eehh... aku buat tau, cuma tak sepantas enjin jet turbo la kerja aku.. agak agak enjin pesawat macam pergi pulau tioman tu je.. :P ihikkk...
agak agak kalau aku pakai veneer dulu mcm ni tak gigi aku? hehe :D

live life today to the fullest - appreciate your loved ones, forgive their mistakes

i was blog walking [was that the term? :p] and i found this touching story... benci tau.. tak pasal2 nangis.. :'( it is rather long, but please read through. once in a while you just need to be reminded. i added some pictures into the story :) i dont quite like the ending but just read lah... 

This is for all the single, married, divorced, widowed individuals, who take life for granted. Please, read this story until the end, it is such an opener.

You never Know.........!

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother".

Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.


Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it". Mother stopped saying anything.

But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again. One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?" After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house.


During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.


The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.

Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day? At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.

The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen?

Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart. One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me. That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated.

Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.

Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hitsme. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:

"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion ... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:

"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.... A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever..."Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late."........

This is a true story.

LEARNING POINT - DO NOT EVER HOLD ON TO OFFENCES!!!

I am totally speechless, this story brought tears to my eyes as I read through each line eager to know what would happen next. It truly showed the devastating power of grudges and anger! Simple humility and communication would have resolved most of the problems in that story, as well as patience.... This story has really touched my heart and life as a whole and it has stimulated a paradigm shift. Though it is very sad, it is also very refreshing to know that from today, I can consciously start to live a life free of grudge. People please let's live a life devoid of grudge. Communication is key.