Wednesday, November 22, 2006

tak ada logica

Agnes Monica – Tak ada Logika

Bukannya aku tak tahu
Kau sudah ada yang punya
Atau bisikan cinta
Ku tahu engkau berdusta

Namun ku tak mau mengerti
Selama kau masih bersamaku
Karna ku suka
Ku butuh cinta yang pernah hilang dariku

Cinta ini kadang-kadang tak ada logika
Ilusi sebuah hasrat dalam hati
Ku hanya ingin dapat memiliki
Dirimu hanya untuk sesaat

Bukannya aku tak tahu
Kau sudah ada yang punya
Karna telah kau bisikkan cintamu padaku
Ku tahu engkau berdusta aaaaa

Cinta ini kadang-kadang tak ada logika
Ilusi sebuah hasrat dalam hati
Ku hanya ingin dapat memiliki
Dirimu hanya untuk sesaat

i tend to listen to songs and relate the lyrics to my own life. so i guess, this is my life so far. i had been crying yesterday, last nite and this morning on the way to work. i cried while listening to this song. its already above being sad. its like, you know, you have feelings towards someone but you know you cant have him. over time, the feelings will go away, but the nice things that once happened between both of you will keep on haunting. does that mean, i havent gone thru the 'closure'? but how do i do that?

i was at a friend's house this morning. his wife passed away. while i was reciting the yassin, i will look at him. i looked at his children. and my thot was... 'how lucky she was, to have a husband who loves her till she dies' and i cried while thinking of that. another thot came...'at least when she dies, she knows that her children will be well taken care of by a loving father'... and i started to think of myself. if i die, whats gonna happen to my joelis? and i cried again... another thot came... 'but, what about having a husband to stay on in a marriage, but living in denial...that actually there is no more feelings towards each other, and staying on for the sake of children?' naahhhh... i am not in that situation and wish not to be in that situation. however, there are couples out there who are like that. some people might get offended with what i write, (sorry, dont mean to be blunt in my writing but i write abt reality or simply my own thots). the truth hurts. you know, i hope, i will have time to tell my joelis if they are going to lose me one day. i want them to be prepared... be strong. they have always been. lisa especially. joey is still very young to realise things thats happening around him. they both have gone thru a lot. i have too.. but i just feel so %$#^ed up when people give me false hope. $#@%! yeup... thats how i feel right now. and its also like, i know i am still frustrated about something but i have not really cried it all out!? you get what i mean or not.. so, it's those little things, will just make me cry again.. and until i can really cry it all out... it will be comin back.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

my blabbering..

its 1120pm and i am writing my blog while waiting for my sweethearts to come home from a movie with their dad. miss joelis so much. yea.. i know.. but that's how it is. :) i just got back from having dinner with... lets say... what do i call him. *wink* hehehehe... OMG i am actually laughing even just to think of a nick name for him..ahaks... okaylah, tonite i am gonna call him... errr..180kmh :P hehehe... okay, i am not so much of a good company tonite. at least that was how i felt. i was more of disturbed emotionally? hmmm... not good huh. but well, we had a great time anyway! back to memory lane.. yeaa... back during our studying time.. and about our childhood. well as usual, i will let him do the talking.. ahaks... and first time i ate at the ampang yong tau foo. sedap laaah :D hemmm boleh la makan lagi. today or since yesterday la, my tummy rasa tak sedap actually. and today, had nasi beriyani for lunch, had sate at 3.45pm during an open house at the office. so just had yong tau foo for dinner just nice lah. perut rasa sebu gitu. i took ENO at 5pm. i was also feeling a bit down later in the evening before goin home. had teh tarik session with james.. and pour it out to him. kesian james.. people around might thought that he was the one who made me cry... hemmphh... tak pe la james kan... ;;) you will always be my james... hehehe.. well anyway, as i was on the way home from office my bro-in-law called, so i kena la jadik pick up for him pulak kat KLCC... ok lah.. jalan balik jam sket... i sudah panic... alamak.. i dah laa ala2 tak stabil.. pas tu jalan jam lak.. and 180kmh is coming around 815pm! hmmm tak pe.. i have plenty of time. it was only 7.36pm. managed to get home just before 800pm, buat apa2 yg patut... and o'uh... he's here! 8.15 sharp okay... sabor jer ler.. plus point! he has been on the dot twice! alamakkk... jap ehh... time now is 11.40pm... my joelis just came home... yey! it was so great to hear their voice.. hugging them right at the door! :D looks like i got to stop blogging now.. eh jap.. ada lagi 5 minutes..heheh... joey tgh wash up and tukar into his pyjamas. well... am trying not to think too much right now. just trying to stabilize my brain! hahahaha... err... am i talking nonsense? well, get use to it... i will be like that for a while... kah..kah..kah... hmmpphhh *sigh* i am just so happy to see my kids home :) goodnite everyone... time to sleep... long day at work tomorrow. ;) thanks again for dinner 180kmh! had another good time :)

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


i have other post(s) that are still on draft. but right now... this is how i feel... and i wanna share this.. :) a song by amy mastura.


Setiap langkah ku atur
Semuanya tidak betul
Katamu tidak teratur
Ku bersabar ku perbetul

Namun langkahku tidak betul
Segalanya yang menyusul
Katamu tidak teratur
Ku bersabar ku perbetul

Ku cuba fahami segala
Namun berat jiwa
Untuk ku mengalah lagi dengannya
Ku cuba selami semua
Namun apa daya
Untukku mengalah lagi dengannya

Bingung dengan cinta (yang pertama)
Bingung dengan dia (yang melanda)
Bingung yang ku rasa (jiwa ini)
Bingung yang melanda

Bingung kerana cinta
Kerananya ku merana
Bingung kerana dia
Kebingungan yang menimpa

Bingung yang ku rasa
Bingung yang melanda
Bila mula ku berkata
Ada saja yang tak kena
Ku akur dengan semua
Ku bersabar ku perbetul

Inilah ragam manusia
Ku turutkan segalanya
Ku terpaksa dan dipaksa
Ku bersabar ku perbetul

Oh kerananya ku sengsara
Tak ingin lagi bersama
Ku percaya hati luka ini
Akan bahagia tanpa dia

Vokal: Amy Mastura
Lagu/Lirik: Cat Farish/Amer Munawer

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

snap shots..

hari raya celebration: weekends have been full for us and i am sure for most of you too. open house, open office, this kenduri, that kenduri.. as usual, time has not been on my side.

school events: i took leave last week on friday. lisa received her anugerah cemerlang award for getting no. 2 in class and no 3 in standard, out of 390 pupils. yeup... i am so proud of her. she had a nice surprise to see her daddy came. from our side as usual, my parents, mak dud. joey insisted to go to his school. for a start, somebody forgot that he should maintained like a stranger.. he was smiling generously when he first arrived. but later, "oopsss... i forgot, i shouldnt show that i am glad to see everyone?" laadaaaa!!... (as lisa always said). and since i have been delaying some pictures to show... pls.. feel free to visit the school events pictures.

my 'open house': not really open house la. just a simple makan2. i really enjoyed the company. really. :) did not really invite that many people. i know some of my friends might kecik hati or what not la... but sorry ye. next year insyaallah when i am more stable, i will do a proper open house during raya. here are some pictures. :) joelis had a good time forcing james to play UNO with them.. hahaha :D. SA got into the trap too later. and here are pictures... :D

had a good chat with a fren. he stayed from 2.45pm till around 7pm. was quite surprised that he actually looked comfortable at my house. well, i hope he was really :). once a while had to leave him coz i had to attend to my relatives. we talked and somehow, the thot came that we've known each other since school time (by name). met for a while when we were studying in the same Poly, and that was it. and he appears again sometime in 2005, and we chat. he came back to malaysia and we didn't really had the opportunity to really talk. but you know what, i had a good time talking to him that day. :) felt like jejak kasih an old friend gitu.

my dad's birthday: it was also my dad's 67th birthday on 12th Nov 2006. we bought a cake and had a small celebration after maghrib. sorry about the picture quality. i took them with my video camera, so hasilnya agak gelap. :)

Wednesday, November 1, 2006

fantabulous raya 2006

is there such word? hehehe.. okay, i owe a write up on our raya 2006 celebration. here goes. when we were in kampong, i have lots of things to write. pergi sini, rasa mcm nak masuk dlm blog, pergi sana, rasa mcm nak update jugak.. but in the end, cant squeeze everything coz mood sudah lari. haha :D raya this year was just like any other raya. its the 2nd raya for JoeLis without daddy. this year they seemed to be quite calm about it, except that Lisa was unwell the night before that i was kinda panicked. Joey had his 1st experience following my dad for takbir raya! he was so excited! :D i was calmer too this year abt not having him around. but of course, feeling of something that's missing is still there. but hey... life is good and we need to move on :) my mom however was weak. yeup... she has always been the most energetic one. she loves shopping but this year, i felt it, that she no longer shop that much. she gets tired easily. same goes preparation before raya. but alhamdulillah, we have a good helper at home, and things were easier to manage in the kitchen.

1st raya, as usual we gathered at home. my elder sister and family joined for bermaaf2an and photo session. :) yezzaa... annual event during raya! my parents' friends and other relatives came. i ended my shift just after lunch. james came over for lunch and later i went out with james and joelis to our friend's house in mwati. had a good time and great food, although as usual, i dont eat that much. i continued my shift around 9pm till 1130pm at home. my 2 younger sisters and maid pengsan oredi....hehehe..

2nd raya, my kids and i wore blue. we had breakfast at our usual breakfast hangout with the family. and headed for kg later. went to PJ first to unc zul's house, then, my dad's bro-in-law, also in PJ.. finally went balik kampong. 1st day in kg, went to 5 houses, so total 7 houses. my mom looked so tired later in the evening, so we decided to stop and get a place to sleep for the night.. :) by 10 smthg, everyone's asleep. oh yes, before that, we had an experience with a road bully, ended having maghrib at the police station to make a police report. kesian my mom, dah tak tenang dibuatnya. tapi tak pe... everything ended okay, and we know where he stays ;)

3rd raya, push off from our cabin around after 9am. 1st house was my nenek ngah's house. 3rd raya is a casual wear day for JoeLis. those baju that their wearing are sponsored by my mom. hehehe.. without my parents, i dont know what's gonna happen to me. ayah and mama have always been there during my bad times. covered 2 houses in kg, and proceed to shah alam and kota damansara. total covered, 5 houses.

4th raya, travelled to banting and spend the whole day there. :) balik sumer dah pening and mabuk... hehehe... too tired. by 6.30pm we reached our house. getting ready for an open house for the next day. ;-) that's it... tiring huh? well, i enjoyed every moment that i spent with everyone this raya. and i am saying it coz i really did, walaupun penat gillerrrr....

check out our Raya 2006 album for more pictures. :)